Wednesday, April 03, 2013

A psychic predicts the future of The Tonight Show

Earlier today, NBC announced that Jimmy Fallon will officially take over The Tonight Show from Jay Leno next April. Shortly after the announcement, I received an email from Ms. Rosa Conjunctivitis, who claims to be a psychic. She sent me a timeline for the future of NBC's late night schedule, and gave me permission to share it with you.

April 2014:
  • Jimmy Fallon takes over The Tonight Show.
  • Seth Meyers takes over Late Night.
  • Jay Leno goes back to doing stand-up full-time.
October 2014:
  • In an emergency move to shore up poor ratings before the November sweeps, NBC brings back Jay Leno to replace Jimmy Fallon.
  • Jimmy Fallon gets a $20 million bonus to leave the show. His bonus is paid for by a $1 charge added to the bill of every Comcast subscriber.
January 2015:
  • Jimmy Fallon begins hosting a new six-hour-long late night show for Fox titled "Jimmy FallON All Night."
January 2019:
  • Although Jay Leno's Tonight Show remains the #1 late night talk show, the average age of its viewers has increased to 69, so NBC replaces Jay Leno with Seth Meyers. Comcast adds another $2 to all of its subscribers' bills to pay for NBC's settlement with Jay Leno.
  • NBC names Funnybot 3000, an android, to be the new host of Late Night.
  • Jay Leno goes back to doing stand-up full-time.
August 2019:
  • Faced with a mass revolt by its remaining 46 affiliates, all of which are owned by one 69-year-old man, Jay Leno returns to host The Tonight Show. Comcast adds another $4 to the bills of all of its subscribers in order to pay Meyers and Leno.
  • Leno purchases the former Mall of America and turns it into a garage for his car collection.
January 2020:
  • Seth Meyers becomes the host of a nightly combination talk show and clearance sale on QVC titled Wholesale After Dark with Seth Meyers.
June 2024:
  • NBC announces plans to replace Jay Leno on The Tonight Show with Funnybot 3000. However, NBC's four remaining affiliates threaten to switch to QVC, so NBC keeps Leno as the host.
March 2046:
  • Jay Leno passes away at age 95 while doing weekend stand-up at the "Komedy Kabana" in Elkhart, Indiana.
April 2046:
  • The Tonight Show's new format consists of an hour-long broadcast of Jay Leno's embalmed body from a glass-walled sarcophagus built where the ice skating rink used to stand in Rockefeller Center. A drummer plays a rimshot every three minutes.


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